


Talk Like A Pirate

by CrazyKitCat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Puns, Birthday, Birthday Fluff, Birthday Party, Comedy, F/M, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, International Talk Like A Pirate Day, Pirates, Puns & Word Play, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 09:16:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20703563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyKitCat/pseuds/CrazyKitCat
Summary: Hermione's birthday falls on International Talk Like a Pirate Day and the Weasleys have a tradition to uphold.Posted in celebration of Hermione Granger's 40th birthday for Harmony & Co's 1000 word max drabble challenge.





	Talk Like A Pirate

**Author's Note:**

> Word Count: 990

“Happy Birthday, love,” Harry whispered seductively as he kissed his wife to wake her up. “It’s time to get up, _ landlubber_. The Weasleys are expecting us aboard the S.S. Burrow in thirty minutes.”

“Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!” Hermione groaned in protest as she rolled over and hid under their duvet. “I want one thing this year for my birthday. That _ no one _ celebrates ‘International Talk Like a Pirate Day’, _ please_.”

Harry burst out laughing at Hermione’s version of a tantrum.

“What do you expect?” he chuckled as he tried to coax her out of bed by rubbing her back. “Your birthday is on September nineteenth!”

“I want to murder whoever thought to create a holiday for the sole purpose of imitating thieves and plunderers,” Hermione grumbled as she threw the blankets off of herself and got out of bed. She quickly padded over to their wardrobe to choose an outfit for the day. “Especially for choosing to celebrate this silly joke of a holiday _ on my birthday_!”

“What do you intend to do to stop it?” Harry asked as he sat at the foot of the bed so he could put on his shoes, all the while enjoying a lovely view of Hermione in her lace nightgown. He grinned, thinking about how he’d unwrap and _ pillage her_ later. “Arthur believes that ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’ is as big a holiday as Yule or Easter to the Muggle community. Do you really want to burst his bubble?”

“No,” Hermione sighed as she got dressed in a loose white blouse and a pair of slacks. “I just wish it wasn’t so _ corny_!”

“Well then, you’d better _ heave ho_, love,” Harry laughed as he got off the bed and inched towards their bedroom door. “I wouldn’t want Molly to _ cleave us to the brisket _ for being late!”

He laughed loudly as he dashed out of the room, Hermione’s flying hairbrush hitting him in the center of his back before he could get away.

* * *

“Ahoy!” Harry called out merrily as he stepped out of the Floo into the Burrow’s living room.

“Ahoy, mate!” Bill replied.

“_Batten down the hatches_!” Charlie warned, urgently. “There’s a storm a brewin’!”

“Arrr,” Percy’s awkward attempt to join in caused the rest of the group to dissolve into giggles.

“Oh, shut up, you scallywags,” Hermione told them, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. “Unless you want me to shut you up permanently? Don’t you think it’s convenient that dead men tell no tales?”

“That’d be a Black Spot, it would!” Fred replied mock-fearfully as he hid behind his twin. “Death threats shouldn’t be made lightly, lass!”

“Even though they may be sometimes well-deserved by scurvy dogs, like my sons?” Arthur laughed as he sided with his surrogate daughter. “Now move, you scallywags, so I can give my favorite lassie a hug on her birthday!”

“There’s my favorite seadog,” Hermione greeted Arthur warmly with a hug. “It’s good to see you! Is Molly in the kitchen? I want to say hello to her as well.”

“On you get, then,” Arthur jerked his head towards the kitchen. “Molly’s still in the _ galley_.”

Hermione rolled her eyes in good humor and nodded gratefully as she made her escape.

“Thar she blows!” Ron hollered with a laugh when Hermione entered the dining room. He was immediately pinned with an enraged glare from the bushy-haired witch.

“I may be pregnant, Ronald Weasley,” Hermione growled at her oldest friend, “but I hardly think I look like a _ whale _ yet!”

“I apologize, Mi,” Ron said as he bent down to greet her with a kiss on the cheek. “But I’m not even a little sorry.”

“He’s been waiting to say that since you and Harry told us the great news,” Ginny added from where she sat at the table.

Hermione huffed petulantly as her hand smoothed protectively over her still-flat belly. “I’ll let you get away with it this _ once_, Ronald. But I’d be cautious if you were planning on making any other jokes. Are you savvy?”

“Aye aye, Mrs. Potter,” Ron laughed. “Mum just told me lunch is ready, so I’m gonna grab the little ones from outside.”

Hermione nodded as he stepped out of the room.

“Oh, Hermione!” Molly exclaimed happily as she walked out of the kitchen, platters of food floating behind her. “Happy birthday, dear!” Waving her wand, the Weasley matriarch had the plates arrange themselves on the dining table before wrapping the younger witch into a loving hug.

“Hello, Molly,” Hermione beamed, grateful _ someone _ would greet her on her birthday without including a silly pirate phrase.

“Avast, ye lassy!” Molly gestured at the table with a wink. “I made all yer favorites and there’s a cake for pudding!”

Hermione rolled her eyes at the slang. _ She had spoken too soon. _

“Blow me down, George!” Fred’s voice drifted in from the other room. “Where are your buccaneers?”

“One was pillaged, the other’s on the side o’ me ‘buccan’ head!” George laughed heartily.

Hermione rolled her eyes at the horrible joke as Ron came in from the yard with all the Weasley and Potter kids under the age of eleven, all of their older children having left on the Hogwarts Express a few weeks earlier. Their parents joined them at the rapidly expanding table and the noise levels increased tenfold.

Hermione beamed as her son Hugo — who’d had a sleepover at The Burrow the night before — raced to give his mother a kiss.

As the Weasleys chatted around her in ‘Pirate’, Hermione gave up on her exasperation at the made-up holiday and grinned. After so many years of this silly tradition, she doubted that she’d still feel as if it were her birthday without it.

Blowing out the candles on top of a cake reading “Happy 40th, Hermione,” she couldn’t help but feel grateful. She may be surrounded by a sea of red-headed scallywags, but they were her crew and she loved them.

**Author's Note:**

> Pirate Translations:  
Blow me down – Oh my god  
Avast ye – Look at this  
Heave Ho – Put your back into to it  
Pillage – Rob or plunder  
Savvy? – Do you understand or do you agree?  
Thar she blows! – When you see a whale  
Shiver me timbers! – Oh my god  
Scallywag – mild insult akin to rapscallion or rogue  
Landlubber – big, slow clumsy person who doesn’t know how to sail  
Scurvy dog – the pirate is talking directly to you with mild insult  
Cleave him to the brisket – to cut across the chest, from one shoulder to the lower abdomen  
Dead men tell no tales – phrase indicating to leave no survivors  
Seadog – old pirate or sailor  
Batten down the hatches – put everything away on the ship and tie everything down because a storm is brewing  
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! – the exhortation of discontent or disgust (not to be confused with ‘Arrr!’ which is a commonly used pirate sound used to express your, well, pirate-ness)  
Ahoy! – Hello!  
Ahoy, Matey – Hello, my friend!  
The Black Spot – Death threat


End file.
